Just Engaged quote indexed in "Notable Quotes"

The following quote from Just Engaged was indexed in Notable Quotes (http://www.notable-quotes.com/m/marriage_quotes_iii.html), the on-line quotation site, in their section on quotes about marriage:

When most people enter marriage, they have only had an "up close and personal" view of a small number of marriages, perhaps only one (i.e., their parents' marriage). Although you likely have known many married people throughout your lifetime, your vision of most marriages is limited to the images that the couples project to the world. You can never really know what another person's marriage is like behind closed doors. Therefore, most people enter into marriage with gaps in their understanding of what marriage entails.

In the book, you can find this quote in the chapter on "Attitudes and Beliefs about Marriage", on p. 35.

Just Engaged covered in World Bride Magazine

World Bride Magazine had this to say about Just Engaged (http://www.worldbridemagazine.com/home/April08/April2008.html):

Licensed marriage and family therapist Christine E. Murray, Ph.D., offers practical guidance, exercise, case studies and discussion questions to help you both build realistic and positive expectations for your marriage. With this book in hand, you will be able to lay out a foundation for a satisfying partenership by learning the how-to for the fundamental things that are needed in a healthy relationship. Among them: commitment to one another, honor, sex, finances, family ties, balance and parenting.

Thanks to the magazine for its support of the book!

About Premarital Counseling--Insights from Premarital Counselors

Readers of Just Engaged know that the book was based on my doctoral dissertation, in which I surveyed over 200 providers of premarital counseling. In this posting, I want to share some of the providers' most interesting and insightful perspectives on premarital counseling and the transition to marriage. What follows are direct quotes from the participants in my survey, taken straight from the appendix of my dissertation (some of which also made it into the book).

• "Anything to promote self-awareness and appreciation of one's intended spouse should help them in adjusting to one another in a loving relationship"
• "So many couples seem not to have discussed some of the more important aspects of being in a life long partnership"
• "The health and longevity of a marriage is dependent on their level of commitment and their ability to resolve issues"
• "Most couples approach marriage for an astounding variety of reasons, with some unrealistic aims in mind. Hours spent in thoughtful counseling and education may be the only serious conversations either has engaged in one the subject"
• "Couples need pre and post marital counseling sessions"
• "I believe couples should be required to receive premarital counseling for a minimum of 4-6 weeks prior to getting married"
• "Proper premarital counseling is very essential to a healthy marriage"
• "I believe that premarital counseling is very important, but each stage of change in a new marriage needs counseling, at least until the couple can mutually support each other"
• "Having couples take a longer, harder look at themselves individually and their relationship before marriage is good"
• "Marriage has to be upkept for a lifetime"
• "It was my personal policy to require premarital preparation before I would participate in a wedding. I've always told the couples I don't have any secret information, but since I sit with both couples eagerly looking forward to getting married and with those struggling to stay married, I know what some of the pitfalls are. I have had very positive response from couples after their marriage about the helpfulness of premarital preparation"
• "It's always a good idea for people to spend time talking about an upcoming marriage and to learn some tools for dealing with times they get stuck. Couples about to get married really only have eyes and ears for each other. So I ask them to talk to each other about personality types, family systems, and how to get through rough times"
• "Premarital counseling/education does impact marital health and understanding. A continuing support mechanism such as church family or valued friends that is fostered and emphasized in the couples preparation time dramatically increases the quality of successful marriages"
• "Some couples don't realize the need they have of counseling until they come to my office. Often there is unresolved issues in their origin home and most have no idea what to expect in marriage"
• "I think [premarital counseling] is vital. We have more requirements for getting a drivers license than we do a marriage license"
• "I believe that it can do much to promote a positive attitude toward the benefits of counseling so that as the marriage progresses, couples may seek out the services of a professional when they hit a rough spot. It also helps to promote the need for skill building and hopefully the need for reflection and self evaluation. An added benefit that I have found is to hear from couples how much they appreciate knowing that their relationship is valued by the community"
• "Engaged couples are the target of a huge commercial wedding industry that works at cross purposes with us in that the emphasis is on promoting the fantasy of the dream wedding. A community coordinated message to pay more attention to the relationship seems to be a necessary approach in affirming healthy realistic decisions before a marriage takes place"
• "I believe any effort to educate and counsel couples prior to marriage is worthwhile"
• "I believe any couple who receives premarital counseling and education potentially benefits greatly"
• "After counseling some couples have opted out of getting married thereby reducing the divorce rate. Some have reported how helpful the counseling was in preparation for problems experienced after the wedding"
• "Often I have found premarital counseling to be supervision unless the couple is experiencing reservations about the marriage. It is hard to deal with what is real until it surfaces in the relationship beyond the ceremony"
• "I believe that all couples should have premarital counseling before a license is issued. Very important. Marriage, just like parenting, is not [for] cowards"
• "The counseling brings many aspects to the table that may not have previously been considered...I do believe it provides the opportunity for directions to be altered and helps the couple to go into the marriage with eyes wide open and expectations more realistic"

A "lost" writing from Just Engaged

I think it's important for readers of a relationship book to have a sense of the author's values about marriage and relationships. It's in that spirit that I want to share one of the "lost" writings from an earlier draft of Just Engaged that got cut through the editing process.

The following excerpt presents some of my general beliefs about marriage and relationships. For those who are curious, this would have come on page viii as the first part of the paragraph that now begins with "I believe that marriage..."

Before I go further, you should know a bit about what I believe about marriage, based on years of studying relationships and my experience as a marriage and family therapist.

First, I believe that marriage is not right for everyone and every relationship. Many other lifestyles are equally rewarding and satisfying.

Second, some relationships are not suitable for marriage, at least in their present form. Contrary to popular belief, marriage alone does not solve problems in a relationship. Some couples need to do a lot of work before they are ready to get married.

Third, I believe that those couples who choose to marry should go into marriage prepared. Of course, it is not possible to anticipate all the challenges that married life entails. However, knowing as much as you can about yourself, your partner, and your relationship helps ease those early marital transitions.

Fourth, I believe that marriage is more than “just a piece of paper.” Some couples are indeed fully committed to their partner despite not having a marriage license. However, the legal and social definitions and expectations of marriage produce additional commitments to your spouse and your relationship. Thus, marriage is distinctly different from other forms of close relationships.

Just Engaged in the U.K.

I recently learned that the U.K.-based wedding planning web-site, "Wedding Path" (http://www.weddingpath.co.uk/) provided the following review of Just Engaged on their web-site:

• "If you are still sorting your pre-nups and want a pro view on what marriage is all about, Just Engaged by Christine E Murray is the one for you. Written by a licensed marriage and family therapist, the book has just a bit of an American twang with exercises and strategies for a happy marriage... But, it might be give you a more realistic take on just what you are letting yourself in for!" (http://www.weddingpath.co.uk/wedding-planning/lovemarriage/744)

I love that bit about the "American twang"!

In another section of their web-site, the folks at Wedding Path also included an excerpt of the book in an article on how British brides are responding to high divorce rates: http://www.weddingpath.co.uk/wedding-planning/planning-happily-ever-after/869.

Thanks to Wedding Path and to U.K. readers for your support of my book!

Before it was "Just Engaged"

Throughout the writing and publishing process for Just Engaged, the book actually went through several title and subtitle changes.

The very first working title for the book was "The Portable Premarital Counselor."

I changed that relatively early on to "Premarital Sense" with the subtitle: "The Practical Approach to Preparing for Marriage."

This was the title through the rest of the writing process, but the subtitle was changed to "The Smart Couple's Guide to a Smooth Start to Marriage" before the book was shopped around to various publishers.

In fact, the book was called "Premarital Sense" (although with yet another subtitle change to "Resolve Your Differences Before You Say 'I Do'") until relatively late in the publication process. The publisher even worked up a cover design for that title, which you can see below (taken from the Adams Media Fall 2007 New and Backlist Titles Catalog):

(Until recently, some Internet-based booksellers were still using that image for the book.)

Apparently, though, the publisher got word from buyers from one of the big bookstores that the title and cover weren't catchy enough, so they went back to the drawing board to come up with another title for the book.

The next title that was selected was "The Rules of Engagement," which I was very happy did not last long--there were already at least one or two books that had that title. I didn't like that title because it implied that the book contains a set of "rules" for what couples are supposed to do during engagement...which was most definitely not my goal in writing the book!

Eventually, the current title of Just Engaged: Prepare for Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do" was settled on. And, with the new cover design for that title, I'd say that the goal of having an eye-catching book was achieved!

Can you put a price on the "excitement" of a wedding?

I don't think so, but that was the message of the headline of an article that ran in my local newspaper, The Greensboro News and Record, this morning. The same article can be found (with a slightly different headline) at http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080602/BIZ01/806020320. The headline for this story in the News and Record was "Wedding Bells on Sale," with the following subtitle: "Tough Economy Takes Gloss off Wedding Excitement."

The author of this article wrote that many people who are planning their weddings in today's economy are cutting back costs in certain areas because they are facing multiple financial demands, such as mortgages and the increasing cost of living.

Some couples have very little money to spend, and other couples spend a lot of money on their weddings (whether or not they really can afford to spend so much). However, the "excitement" of a wedding shouldn't be attached to its price tag.

In my opinion, it is unfortunate that couples who do not have as much to spend can come to believe that their weddings are any less significant than those with more to spend. Even couples who have bigger budgets need to be careful not to fall into thinking that the value of their wedding is determined only by a dollar amount.

One of my hopes in writing Just Engaged is to help couples remember that the wedding they are planning is an exciting celebration of their love, commitment, and future life together--whatever the cost.

My Own Wedding and Engagement (Part Two)

Now that I’ve shared a bit about our wedding, let’s back up and talk more about our engagement. I’ve asked Tom to help with this entry so his memories can be included as well.

First, a bit of background…Just Engaged readers may be somewhat surprised to learn that Tom and I had a pretty short engagement of only about 5 months. We got engaged in October 2001 (after dating for over a year) on the water’s edge in Cedar Key, FL. Here we are on the dock where Tom popped the question:

I’ve been asked before what I think the best length of time for an engagement is—and I always answer that I don’t think there is one. For us, this shorter engagement worked well, but I know other couples who needed a much longer one. In my opinion, it’s not the length of an engagement, but how a couple uses it to prepare for marriage that matters.

That brings me to the main purpose of this entry—to share some of the things that Tom and I wish we would have realized when we were engaged (if only we could have known then what we know now….). We did do a lot of things for which we’re now thankful—such as seeking out premarital counseling, talking about the important similarities and differences between us, and making many good compromises while planning our version of a dream wedding. But, the three main things we wish we would have realized at the time are as follows:

1. We wish we would have relaxed and enjoyed the process more.

As I share in Just Engaged, we got married at a pretty stressful time in our lives, mostly related to graduate school and career issues. I think that, at times, we were overwhelmed with the need to plan the wedding on top of all else we had going on that we sometimes forgot to enjoy our relationship and each other. Looking back now, I wish that we would have done more to let go of some of the stressful little things so that we could have relished the anticipation of marriage a bit more.

2. We wish we would have made better use of premarital counseling.

We had a very positive experience in premarital counseling with our pastor. However, we could have gotten more out of it if we had spent some more time outside of the sessions figuring out the areas that we really needed to work on. Even though we weren’t having any major relationship conflicts at the time, the seeds of some bigger issues were already being planted. In part, we probably didn’t want to address these issues then because we were afraid of upsetting the balance we had. In hindsight, though, we probably would have had a smoother transition to marriage if we had done so.

3. We wish we would have been more proactive in thinking about our relationship after the wedding.

When you are engaged, it’s easy to get caught up in the engagement and wedding, and not think about much beyond that. And, of course, it’s not possible to know exactly what the future will hold. But, Tom and I agree that we wish we would have made some more specific short-term goals for our relationship, mostly related to the types of experiences we’d like to have had during our early years of marriage. This one relates mostly to wishing we would have traveled together more between getting married and becoming parents, which we’ve learned recently makes travelling much more difficult. Even though we knew then that travelling was a real interest for both of us, we didn’t take the extra steps of prioritizing it in our budget or time.

So overall, we remember our engagement as being a stressful but enjoyable time. I can see now how it really did set the tone for our first few years of marriage—for better and for worse!

My Own Wedding and Engagement (Part One)

Get out your marimbas!

Since my book is for engaged couples getting ready for marriage, I am often asked about my own wedding and engagement. In this posting, I’ll share some memories from our wedding; in the next one, I’ll talk about our engagement—including some things I wish I would have realized at the time.

It’s been over six years since Tom and I were married on March 3rd, 2002. We had a destination wedding in Alajuela, Costa Rica, at the Vista del Valle Inn. The setting was beautiful—we were married overlooking a valley on the hotel grounds.

I was very nervous on our wedding day, so, in truth, I actually don’t remember too much about the ceremony. The ceremony was officiated by an attorney (in Costa Rica, at least at the time, weddings not held in churches were required to be performed by an attorney), with a special prayer said by my mother. I pretty much cried through the whole thing (tears of happiness, of course!).


After the ceremony, we took the requisite wedding pictures….



and then enjoyed a delicious lunch with our friends and family members who had made the trip….


complete with a wedding cake made of carrot cake (my favorite!).


We decided to forgo a more traditional wedding reception. After the lunch, our entire group went to the Monteverde Cloud Forest to go on a canopy tour. Here I am on the zip line above the forest…. (I don’t know which made me more nervous—the wedding earlier in the day or zipping so high above the forest!)



On the day after our wedding, Tom decided that, since he had just taken the plunge into marriage, he might as well take another plunge—this time by bungee jumping off a bridge into a ravine. Talk about something that can make a new wife nervous!


We spent the rest of the week enjoying Costa Rica with each other and with our friends and family.

About the Just Engaged Blog

Thank you for reading my Just Engaged blog! I am starting this blog as a way to connect with current and future readers of my book, Just Engaged: Prepare for Your Marriage Before You Say “I Do.”

One of my goals in writing Just Engaged, the book and the blog, is to remind engaged couples how important it is to prepare for marriage while planning the wedding. As I discuss in the book, there’s a huge wedding industry that makes it easy to get caught up in the wedding plans and forget that marriage is the reason for the wedding in the first place!

Some of the features I am planning to include on the Just Engaged blog include:

· Information about the book and related media coverage and events

· Some of the “lost” writings from earlier versions of the book that were cut through the editing process

· Expanded answers to questions that I’ve been asked commonly in media interviews about the book

· Discussion of news stories of interest to engaged couples

· Expanded discussion of the case studies and exercises in the book

· Responses to reader feedback about the book

· Other topics of interest to couples preparing for marriage

I welcome suggestions for other topics you’d like to see me address on this blog. I’ll do my best to update it as regularly as I can, so please check back to see what’s new.

Please note that I won’t be able to give any individual relationship advice through this blog.

Thanks again for your interest in Just Engaged!

Christine Murray