A "lost" writing from Just Engaged

I think it's important for readers of a relationship book to have a sense of the author's values about marriage and relationships. It's in that spirit that I want to share one of the "lost" writings from an earlier draft of Just Engaged that got cut through the editing process.

The following excerpt presents some of my general beliefs about marriage and relationships. For those who are curious, this would have come on page viii as the first part of the paragraph that now begins with "I believe that marriage..."

Before I go further, you should know a bit about what I believe about marriage, based on years of studying relationships and my experience as a marriage and family therapist.

First, I believe that marriage is not right for everyone and every relationship. Many other lifestyles are equally rewarding and satisfying.

Second, some relationships are not suitable for marriage, at least in their present form. Contrary to popular belief, marriage alone does not solve problems in a relationship. Some couples need to do a lot of work before they are ready to get married.

Third, I believe that those couples who choose to marry should go into marriage prepared. Of course, it is not possible to anticipate all the challenges that married life entails. However, knowing as much as you can about yourself, your partner, and your relationship helps ease those early marital transitions.

Fourth, I believe that marriage is more than “just a piece of paper.” Some couples are indeed fully committed to their partner despite not having a marriage license. However, the legal and social definitions and expectations of marriage produce additional commitments to your spouse and your relationship. Thus, marriage is distinctly different from other forms of close relationships.