About Premarital Counseling--Insights from Premarital Counselors

Readers of Just Engaged know that the book was based on my doctoral dissertation, in which I surveyed over 200 providers of premarital counseling. In this posting, I want to share some of the providers' most interesting and insightful perspectives on premarital counseling and the transition to marriage. What follows are direct quotes from the participants in my survey, taken straight from the appendix of my dissertation (some of which also made it into the book).

• "Anything to promote self-awareness and appreciation of one's intended spouse should help them in adjusting to one another in a loving relationship"
• "So many couples seem not to have discussed some of the more important aspects of being in a life long partnership"
• "The health and longevity of a marriage is dependent on their level of commitment and their ability to resolve issues"
• "Most couples approach marriage for an astounding variety of reasons, with some unrealistic aims in mind. Hours spent in thoughtful counseling and education may be the only serious conversations either has engaged in one the subject"
• "Couples need pre and post marital counseling sessions"
• "I believe couples should be required to receive premarital counseling for a minimum of 4-6 weeks prior to getting married"
• "Proper premarital counseling is very essential to a healthy marriage"
• "I believe that premarital counseling is very important, but each stage of change in a new marriage needs counseling, at least until the couple can mutually support each other"
• "Having couples take a longer, harder look at themselves individually and their relationship before marriage is good"
• "Marriage has to be upkept for a lifetime"
• "It was my personal policy to require premarital preparation before I would participate in a wedding. I've always told the couples I don't have any secret information, but since I sit with both couples eagerly looking forward to getting married and with those struggling to stay married, I know what some of the pitfalls are. I have had very positive response from couples after their marriage about the helpfulness of premarital preparation"
• "It's always a good idea for people to spend time talking about an upcoming marriage and to learn some tools for dealing with times they get stuck. Couples about to get married really only have eyes and ears for each other. So I ask them to talk to each other about personality types, family systems, and how to get through rough times"
• "Premarital counseling/education does impact marital health and understanding. A continuing support mechanism such as church family or valued friends that is fostered and emphasized in the couples preparation time dramatically increases the quality of successful marriages"
• "Some couples don't realize the need they have of counseling until they come to my office. Often there is unresolved issues in their origin home and most have no idea what to expect in marriage"
• "I think [premarital counseling] is vital. We have more requirements for getting a drivers license than we do a marriage license"
• "I believe that it can do much to promote a positive attitude toward the benefits of counseling so that as the marriage progresses, couples may seek out the services of a professional when they hit a rough spot. It also helps to promote the need for skill building and hopefully the need for reflection and self evaluation. An added benefit that I have found is to hear from couples how much they appreciate knowing that their relationship is valued by the community"
• "Engaged couples are the target of a huge commercial wedding industry that works at cross purposes with us in that the emphasis is on promoting the fantasy of the dream wedding. A community coordinated message to pay more attention to the relationship seems to be a necessary approach in affirming healthy realistic decisions before a marriage takes place"
• "I believe any effort to educate and counsel couples prior to marriage is worthwhile"
• "I believe any couple who receives premarital counseling and education potentially benefits greatly"
• "After counseling some couples have opted out of getting married thereby reducing the divorce rate. Some have reported how helpful the counseling was in preparation for problems experienced after the wedding"
• "Often I have found premarital counseling to be supervision unless the couple is experiencing reservations about the marriage. It is hard to deal with what is real until it surfaces in the relationship beyond the ceremony"
• "I believe that all couples should have premarital counseling before a license is issued. Very important. Marriage, just like parenting, is not [for] cowards"
• "The counseling brings many aspects to the table that may not have previously been considered...I do believe it provides the opportunity for directions to be altered and helps the couple to go into the marriage with eyes wide open and expectations more realistic"

A "lost" writing from Just Engaged

I think it's important for readers of a relationship book to have a sense of the author's values about marriage and relationships. It's in that spirit that I want to share one of the "lost" writings from an earlier draft of Just Engaged that got cut through the editing process.

The following excerpt presents some of my general beliefs about marriage and relationships. For those who are curious, this would have come on page viii as the first part of the paragraph that now begins with "I believe that marriage..."

Before I go further, you should know a bit about what I believe about marriage, based on years of studying relationships and my experience as a marriage and family therapist.

First, I believe that marriage is not right for everyone and every relationship. Many other lifestyles are equally rewarding and satisfying.

Second, some relationships are not suitable for marriage, at least in their present form. Contrary to popular belief, marriage alone does not solve problems in a relationship. Some couples need to do a lot of work before they are ready to get married.

Third, I believe that those couples who choose to marry should go into marriage prepared. Of course, it is not possible to anticipate all the challenges that married life entails. However, knowing as much as you can about yourself, your partner, and your relationship helps ease those early marital transitions.

Fourth, I believe that marriage is more than “just a piece of paper.” Some couples are indeed fully committed to their partner despite not having a marriage license. However, the legal and social definitions and expectations of marriage produce additional commitments to your spouse and your relationship. Thus, marriage is distinctly different from other forms of close relationships.

Just Engaged in the U.K.

I recently learned that the U.K.-based wedding planning web-site, "Wedding Path" (http://www.weddingpath.co.uk/) provided the following review of Just Engaged on their web-site:

• "If you are still sorting your pre-nups and want a pro view on what marriage is all about, Just Engaged by Christine E Murray is the one for you. Written by a licensed marriage and family therapist, the book has just a bit of an American twang with exercises and strategies for a happy marriage... But, it might be give you a more realistic take on just what you are letting yourself in for!" (http://www.weddingpath.co.uk/wedding-planning/lovemarriage/744)

I love that bit about the "American twang"!

In another section of their web-site, the folks at Wedding Path also included an excerpt of the book in an article on how British brides are responding to high divorce rates: http://www.weddingpath.co.uk/wedding-planning/planning-happily-ever-after/869.

Thanks to Wedding Path and to U.K. readers for your support of my book!

Before it was "Just Engaged"

Throughout the writing and publishing process for Just Engaged, the book actually went through several title and subtitle changes.

The very first working title for the book was "The Portable Premarital Counselor."

I changed that relatively early on to "Premarital Sense" with the subtitle: "The Practical Approach to Preparing for Marriage."

This was the title through the rest of the writing process, but the subtitle was changed to "The Smart Couple's Guide to a Smooth Start to Marriage" before the book was shopped around to various publishers.

In fact, the book was called "Premarital Sense" (although with yet another subtitle change to "Resolve Your Differences Before You Say 'I Do'") until relatively late in the publication process. The publisher even worked up a cover design for that title, which you can see below (taken from the Adams Media Fall 2007 New and Backlist Titles Catalog):

(Until recently, some Internet-based booksellers were still using that image for the book.)

Apparently, though, the publisher got word from buyers from one of the big bookstores that the title and cover weren't catchy enough, so they went back to the drawing board to come up with another title for the book.

The next title that was selected was "The Rules of Engagement," which I was very happy did not last long--there were already at least one or two books that had that title. I didn't like that title because it implied that the book contains a set of "rules" for what couples are supposed to do during engagement...which was most definitely not my goal in writing the book!

Eventually, the current title of Just Engaged: Prepare for Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do" was settled on. And, with the new cover design for that title, I'd say that the goal of having an eye-catching book was achieved!